Game of Thrones S08 E04 – Ghost deserved better.

Previously: Winter came and went.
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Democracy Diva: The opening credits continue their reign as the best goddamn thing about this show. The blue ice tiles have stopped flipping over, but as we zoom through Map!Winterfell, the crypts look like they’ve been through a zombie attack. 

The zoomy cameraman shows our heroes mourning their dead. Even Corpse!Jorah can’t get more than a forehead kiss from his khaleesi. Sorry, bro. Sansa cries over Theon’s body and tucks a direwolf pin into his pocket and breaks my heart a little. Zoomy cameraman pans out and shows us that there’s a whole lot of dead to burn. The survivors each have exactly one (1) cut on their face from surviving the actual apocalypse, and that is the high watermark of attention paid to detail in this episode.

Marines: Medical care in Winterfell is amazing. 

Diva: Even the North has #MedicareForAll.

Jon starts speechifying in a strangled voice memorializing the fallen. Arya mourns Beric. Sam mourns Definitely Edd. Jon mourns Lyanna. Our heroes light the funeral pyres, and we watch them stare sadly at the flames. The music is, as always, flawless. 

Mari: This was feelings-y, but by giving everyone exactly one (1) person to mourn, there were a lot of other connections that felt dropped. Like, uh, Dany and 97% of her khalasar. She should mourn them.

Diva: Correct. Would’ve been nice if the show had ever introduced us to any of them so we could mourn them too.

Somber post-funeral feast. Bran, Sansa, Jon, and Dany are at the high table. Gendry looks around confused – I assume he’s wondering, “Why am I still wearing a shirt?” as that’s what I’m wondering – and sits down across the table from the Hound. He asks Sandor if he’s seen Arya, which is cute. Sandor’s like, dude, those bodies aren’t even ash yet and you’re already tryna fuck? But then Sandor is like, good for you, buddy, because Sandor is our sex-positive dad and we love him.

    

Catherine: The Hound shipping Arya x Gendry is everything I didn’t know I always needed. 

Diva: Amen.

Suddenly Dany calls out to Gendry and the whole room goes quiet. She coldly notes that he’s Robert Baratheon’s son – you know, the usurper. Dany points out that all the Baratheons are dead, so there’s no Lord of Storm’s End now. The room is still uncomfortably quiet. Dany looks like she’s considering burning him, but instead tells him he’s now Lord Gendry Baratheon of Storm’s End, the lawful son of Robert Baratheon, “because that is what I have made you.” Dadvos proposes a toast because he’s so proud of his adopted son, and everyone cheers to Gendry, except the Hound, who just angrily eats soup. If you think it’s not possible to eat soup angrily, I beseech you to watch this scene. 

  

Mari: I… don’t really know why angry soup eating is so endearing, but I’m suddenly invested in happiness for Sandor.

Catherine: It took me days to realize that in order for Dany to find out that Gendry is Bobby B’s son, Jon would have had to be the one to tell her. Which….UM? JON? She might have straight up murdered him instead of legitimizing him. But whatever, I guess. 

Diva: Oof. I never thought about that.

Privately, Dany and Tyrion scheme about having a new loyal lord of Storm’s End, and Sansa gives them the stink-eye. At another table, Jaime and Brienne start drinking heavily. Over at the Sexually Active Band Geeks table, Davos explains to Tyrion how Melisandre melted into dust and how all the religion and stuff on this show doesn’t totally make sense. 

Mari: I mentioned multiple times in the podcast episodes that I dearly want the religion stuff to mean something in the books. So this, here? Just imagine *me* eating soup angrily.

Dany: Gladly.

Tyrion compliments Bran on his wheelchair design. Bran explains that he saw it on the weirwoodweb (M: A+) , and also that he’s not lord of Winterfell because he’s a sad tree boi. 

Tormund and Sansa are urging Jon Snow to binge-drink, which really feels like a gift to me personally. Tormund proposes a toast to the dragon queen, and Dany toasts to Arya Stark, hero of Winterfell, and then Tormund basically drowns himself in wine.

Mari: Plus, more amazing Hound reactions: 

  

Catherine: And that’s me, realizing that this is the only recognition Arya is gonna get for saving the world. 

Mari: Too much left to do, Catherine, and too many characters to betray to get there.

Diva: The room is getting rowdier. The Lannister boys are playing their version of Never Have I Ever with Brienne and Pod, which is also a gift to me personally. (Don’t get too excited; this episode will fall apart entirely in approximately ten minutes.)

Tormund is giving the world’s drunkest best man speech about his little crow, and how he came back to life like a bawss, and how it’s SO INSANE that Jon RODE A DRAGON because the only person who would do that is a MADMAN or a KING! Meanwhile, Dany breastfed three dragons and got no credit for anything, because welcome to being a woman in politics. The music gets haunting and Dany’s vision goes into blurry slo-mo, and Varys appears ominously over her shoulder (well, Littlefinger’s dead, so somebody has to pop out from corners to lurk ominously). It’s all a little heavy-handed, as Dany watches people laugh and drink and celebrate life and worship Jon Snow while she sits in a corner and broods. She walks out, and Varys makes his Concerned Face.

Mari: I’m trying to feel for Dany… but this is what happens when you make one set of friends and you inexplicably send them running into a horde of the dead and then don’t mourn them at the funeral. You are left with no friends. 

Diva: Never Have I Ever drinking game. They are all very wasted. Tyrion calls out Brienne as a virgin, because he’s weird and gross and also virginity is a social construct. Podrick drinks to fill the awkward silence, and Brienne gets up to leave because she is a fucking KNIGHT and should not have to be subjected to this nonsense. Tormund stumbles over to ask which of them shit in his pants, because he is a legend, and Jaime blocks Tormund from following Brienne out the door. Jaime follows after her instead. Tyrion pours his goblet into Tormund’s drinking horn. Podrick looks around like the sweetest drunkest dopiest little thing you ever saw, locks eyes with a cute girl, and gives her a smile.

Cut to Tormund, tears streaming from his blue eyes – they’ve always been blue! – because Jaime took Brienne away from him. He tells the Hound that his heart is broken. First Gendry, now Tormund – I would like one entire television series of people telling their relationship problems to Sandor Clegane, and Sandor getting angrier and angrier with everyone’s bullshit until he gives up and eats every fucking chicken in the room. But Tormund’s mood improves when some Northern girl flirts with him. Sandor rejects the girl trying to get in his pants, and Sansa watches from across the room.

Sansa approaches the Hound and is all, why weren’t you trying to fuck? Sandor says, because I’m too hyped for #CleganeBowl2k19 #gethype #whatishypemayneverdie. Anyway, he’s surprised Sansa can look him in the eye now, but she’s seen way worse shit than the Hound over the last several seasons. They share a smile over Sansa murdering Ramsey with hounds. “You’ve changed, little bird,” Sandor tells her, and for a moment I think this is actually going to be a great scene. Then a neon sign appears on the screen that proclaims, “IN CASE YOU HAD FORGOTTEN THAT THIS SHOW IS DIRECTED, PRODUCED, AND WRITTEN BY MEN, LET US CONFIRM THIS WITH AN EMBARRASSINGLY WRONGHEADED GASLIGHTING CHARACTERIZATION OF WHAT SEXUAL VIOLENCE IS!”

Sandor says she could have avoided all those monsters if she’d left Kings Landing with him. Sansa says, actually, my rapists were essential to my character growth! (C: *AGGRESSIVE SIGH*)  And Sandor has this look on his face that says, wow, that’s incredibly wise, and not at all dated, lazy, offensive to survivors of sexual violence, and vehemently untrue to Sansa’s character. The writers and showrunners should be humiliated that this dialogue actually got aired. They should also consider the radical notion of hiring more women. (M: Nothing to add but anger!)

Winterfell courtyard, but rowdy and horny AF. Arya’s hiding out in a storage room shooting arrows instead of getting drunk. Gendry announces that he’s now Lord of Storm’s End, and that she’s beautiful and he loves her, then he literally gets down on one knee and asks Arya to marry him and be his lady. Because I guess he has literally never met Arya before?

    

She gives him a long kiss before saying “boy, bye.” Gendry looks heartbroken, but I hear taking your shirt off can fix that.

Catherine: No. I mean, yes to that but also, I hate this. The first few times she spit out catchphrases from her 10 year-old self it was endearing, now it’s like a vending machine trying to take a crumpled up dollar. She has to have some character growth. Do the writers think having her repeat iconic lines from the first season will make up for the mess that they’ve made of everyone’s characterization this season? This is not just because Gendry’s little broken heart face shattered me. I will STAB anyone who says so! 

Mari: I hadn’t really thought about how satisfying it would be to see Arya truly forge her own way– one in which she could both wear the faces of the dead and have reliable dick. It’s true– she wouldn’t be the one to run a castle and be quiet and submissive, but there is a lot space in between for her and Gendry to figure it out. The story has put Sansa and Arya into such strong categories– LADY and NOT A LADY– and what that means– I THANK MY RAPISTS and MURDERESS– that sometimes it sacrifices that bit of nuance and happiness for everyone who wanted Arya and Gendry to have little murder babies. Wait, what was I getting at? 

Diva: I liked that Arya didn’t agree to marry Gendry, but you’re so right that she shouldn’t have to choose between her assassin career and getting that dick.

Brienne’s room. Jaime knocks on the door for a bootyknock, which is like a bootycall but more medieval. They’re both wearing loose prairie-style blouses that I think I saw on sale at Free People, instead of their usual armor, so everything already feels weirdly soft and intimate. Jaime’s very drunk, Brienne is pretty drunk, and they continue drinking. Jaime asks her about Tormund and Brienne looks him in the eye and says, “you sound quite jealous,” which is iconic and amazing and correct. Jaime confirms that he’s jealous of our GingerNotMance. Then he pretends it’s hot in the room so he can take his shirt off – Gendry should get to a warm room ASAP (C: It’s the only thing that can save this ep, tbh.) –  but he’s struggling because, you know, one hand and all. Brienne’s like, fucking let me do it.

Then Jaime tries to start taking her top off but she’s like, actually no, I got this. She stands in front of him, tall and proud, and we don’t actually see her body, but he does. “I’ve never slept with a knight before,” he tells her, which is honestly rad, and certainly better than “I’ve never slept with someone I didn’t share a womb with before.” They start making out, and I do feel that the show could have given us a few more seconds of kissing before tastefully cutting away.

In another part of the castle, Jon Snow broods drunkenly. Dany approaches for a scene I already know I don’t care about because it’s just Jon and Dany. Nobody on this side of the Narrow Sea has ever looked at Dany the way pretty much everyone at Winterfell looks at Jon, and she’s salty about it. Dany’s all, I love you, so I need you to never tell anyone your origin story because they’ll make you their king even if you don’t want it, and that will fuck up my whole character arc. Jon insists he has to tell his sister-cousins and Dany’s like, lol no Sansa will be the first one to put a crown on your beautiful little head. Dany insists that the truth will destroy them, and she begs him not to tell anyone. He tries to give her some cute shit about how nothing will change that, but Dany’s not having one single iota of that nonsense. 

Brienne’s room. She’s asleep, and Jaime makes a Concerned Face. This episode is approximately 70% Concerned Faces.

Battle strategy meeting where everyone pushes cute tiles around a map. TLDR, they lost a lot of people in the battle and are pretty evenly matched with Cersei. Tyrion reminds Dany that the plan is to remove Cersei without blowing up Kings Landing. Varys says, well Yara retook the Iron Islands in Dany’s name, and the new prince of Dorne (lol remember Dorne) is on their team. (M: WHO IS HE.) Dany reminds them that they need the capital. Tyrion remembers the bread riots in Kings Landing and how it’s possible the people will turn on Cersei themselves, saving Team Dany the need to, you know, kill a buncha smallfolk to get to Cersei. Dany’s like, fine, I guess we don’t have to murder everyone.

Sansa points out that their troops aren’t ready for another battle yet – they need more time to rest and recuperate. Dany gets very pissed at this but Sansa stands firm against her. Jon coldly announces that he’s siding with Dany. Arya and Sansa make Concerned Faces at each other. Tyrion explains the battle plan: Jon and Dadvos will ride down the Kingsroad with the northerners, remaining Dothraki, and Unsullied. A smaller crew will go to White Harbor and sail to Dragonstone with Dany and the dragons. Jaime, he explains, has decided to stay here, “as a guest of the Lady of Winterfell,” and it is so solid for Sansa to let Jaime stay at Winterfell just so her favorite knight can get that dick.

Look at that Meaningful Glance About Helping Each Other Get That Dick. This is women supporting women, y’all. 

Mari: I didn’t catch the look in the episode but now it’s all I want to look at, I love it.

Diva: Dany says they’re gonna win the last war now. “In all seven kingdoms,” she emphasizes, and Sansa literally gives an exasperated sigh at this, which I love. Jon tries to follow Dany out the door, but Arya tells him its time for a Stark sibling chat.

Stark Tree House, but it’s actually just a weirwood. They fight about Dany, rehashing the same fight they’ve been having. Arya says they needed Dany and her dragons, and Jon did the right thing by bending the knee to her. But Arya insists she and Sansa are also doing the right thing by telling him DANY IS A FUGLY SLUT, DO NOT TRUST HER. Arya says the four of them are the last of the Starks, and she gets a gold star for her efforts.

Jon is all, well, actually… I have a super big secret to tell you so you have to promise not to tell. They both do, but Sansa is very obviously lying. Then Jon chickens out and makes Bran tell Arya and Sansa the truth about his heritage. But he tells them off-screen. You know, the information that this show spent eight seasons building up to a reveal of? It’s finally shared with the people most impacted by that news outside of Jon and Dany, AND IT HAPPENS OFF SCREEN. This show is honestly trash. 

Catherine: I’m… anger. Much anger. 

Mari: Apart from being something I WANTED TO SEE DAMMIT, seeing their reactions would inform a lot of their actions later in the episode??? 

Diva: YES. ALL OF THAT.

Tyrion and Jaime bro chat. Tyrion pretends he’s just happy that Jaime is happy with Brienne, and then cracks some tall person jokes. It’s all fun and games until Tyrion specifically asks what Brienne’s vagina is like. Oh, look, the neon sign proclaiming MEN WROTE THIS SCENE is back! We are gratefully spared from the rest of this conversation with the dramatic entrance of Bronn and his crossbow. Because, I guess, nobody can be bothered to lock their doors or have guards or servants or watchmen or sentries or literally anyone to stop Bronn and a fully-loaded crossbow from sauntering into a room in the depths of the castle.

Bronn swaggers around in a scene I find very boring because I can’t believe the zombie apocalypse is over and we’re still watching Bronn bargain with the Lannisters for a bigger castle. This scene feels endless as Bronn explains all his options and talks us through things we already know. Long story short, Bronn asks for double what Cersei offered – so, double Riverrun. Luckily, the Lannister bros have one a double Riverrun offer, and it’s Highgarden. After like eight more monologues from Bronn about killing – seriously, who fucking cares? – Bronn obviously does not kill them and obviously gets them to promise him Highgarden.

Mari: My remaining season wishlist starts 1. Sansa alive and 2. Bronn dead. 

Diva: Cosign. 

The Hound rides out of Winterfell alone, and encounters Arya, also riding out of Winterfell alone.

He’s got business in Kings Landing – the business of #CLEGANEBOWL2K19 #HYPEHYPEHYPE – and so does she – the business of definitely wearing somebody else’s face while she murders Cersei. “I don’t plan on coming back,” Sandor tells her, which makes sense. “Neither do I,” Arya responds, which doesn’t make any sense. At all. Not after like two full years of watching her get beaten by Nameless Cunt with a giant stick just so she could finally realize she’s not no one, she’s Arya Stark of Winterfell. Unlike her rejection of Gendry’s proposal, which works for her character, this bounces Arya back from “complicated, violent young women who still has people she loves and would die for” to “emotionless murder vengeance robot.” It’s boring and I hate it. 

Catherine: I fully expected her to want to kill Cersei but she was all “we’re the last of the Starks” and then literally the next scene she’s leaving without saying goodbye. Do the writers like, watch?? The show??

Mari: CUTTING AWAY FROM THAT WEIRWOOD SCENE MADE NO SENSE. Part of me thinks there was some sort of plan making happening there we’ll only find about later, but I don’t know if that’s wishful thinking and it’ll just be all nonsense actions from here until we get to the big! moments! they want to give us at the end. 

Diva: That last sentence describes how I feel about almost everything that happened this episode.

Sansa watches Dany’s dragons fly over the castle. Tyrion greets her, but she’s not here for small talk. She doesn’t think Dany will be a good queen. Tyrion says, well a good relationship between the North and the crown is important, and Sansa says Jon will be Lord of Winterfell so that relationship will be just fine. Tyrion doubts Jon will be spending much time in Winterfell, and Sansa very sharply says that that’s up to Jon. Tyrion explains that with Jon away, Sansa’s the real power in the North, and he would feel better knowing that Sansa was Dany’s ally. Tyrion asks why Sansa is trying to provoke Dany, and Sansa astutely realizes that Tyrion’s afraid of Dany. Sansa doesn’t want Jon to go south, and Tyrion makes the hard sell that he believes in Dany and her desire to make the world better. As Tyrion starts to walk away, Sansa asks him, what if there’s someone else – someone better? Aka Ae-Jon Targaryen. 

Tormund and Jon make out in the Winterfell courtyard. I mean, not actually, but I still ship it. Jon says he’s not riding Rhaegal because the dragon is injured and needs to rest. Tormund says he’s going back beyond the Wall because southern girls don’t like him and because that’s where his people belong. Jon says, that’s where Ghost belongs too – and asks Tormund to take Ghost with him, north of the Wall, where Ghost would be happier. (I screamed. I SCREEEAMED at my computer screen.) Tormund says Jon would be happier there too, which is true, because Jon also ships Jon and Tormund. Jon says farewell; Tormund says, “you never know.” They hug, and Jon abandons his doggo, his brave brave pupper, the little white furry angel he found in the summer snows all those years ago, without so much as a hug or a boop or a floof. This show is ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. It’s so garbage that I can’t even fully appreciate Tormund pulling Jon in for an extra-long hug and growling, “You’ve got the north in you… the REAL north,” which is WILDLY erotic. Tumblr agrees:

This is the best gifset in the world and I will not apologize for it.

Sam and Gilly approach, because I guess it’s their turn for a farewell for no reason. Jon hugs Gilly and realizes that she’s pregnant, and Sam tries to use way too many words to explain this, and Gilly’s like, um he definitely know how it happened so hush. Jon wishes them mazal tov and hopes they have a girl who is not named Jon. They tell each other that they’re best friends, and meanwhile Ghost is all, “well, fuck MY drag, right?”

    

Catherine: Let me tell you, the writer’s explanation of not wanting to do the cgi to show them hugging did not make this scene any easier to watch. It’s all just bullshit. Ghost should go get his hair and nails done and say fuck it to Jon forever. 

Mari: This all felt so abrupt and weird but I’m glad that everyone I know and love agrees that Jon not giving Ghost pets was BULLSHIT. I would’ve taken -3 dragon riding scenes this season alone for 10 seconds of direwolf pets. 

Diva: The only thing the entire internet can agree on is that Ghost deserved better.

Targaryen fleet. Missandei and Grey Worm smile and hold hands on a boat. Uh oh.

Below decks, Tyrion spills the beans about Jon’s parentage to Varys, who recognizes that the cat is waaaaay out of the fucking bag by now. Varys argues in favor of Jon, who has a better claim, and a history of drawing people to him, and he’s a war hero. Tyrion’s like, well can’t we marry them and have them rule together? Varys is like, ew no they’re related. But the real reason that won’t work is that Dany is absolutely not going to share the power and the rule. Varys hints that he thinks Dany’s going #MadQueen. Because when men murder their enemies in cruel and unusual ways they’re called war heroes, but when women do it something’s Very Wrong With Them. 

Mari: Everyone in this little circle is making Bad Decisions, including Tyrion, but they have to be forgiven because whoops, mistakes. Dany is making Bad Decisions but she’s Crazy. Additionally, Dany has been consistent, honestly, from when she burned a captured slave alive to hatch some dragons to now, so all of this “she’s going off the deep end by wanting what she’s always wanted and acting as she’s always acted!!!” is… strange.

Diva: Dragons fly over the fleet as it approaches Dragonstone. Everything’s lovely until a bolt flies into the shot and spears Rhaegal. Two more follow, until Rhaegal goes spinning into the sea, dead. I’d give more weight to the death of another of Dany’s children, the death of one of only known dragons left in the world, but the show doesn’t give it any weight at all, so…

Catherine: They passed over it so quickly I didn’t even realize it had happened till I saw people tweeting about it. We get it, GOT writers, you can’t afford cgi anymore. We see you. 

Diva: Week-After-Passover-Kosher-Aisle-Sale Pacey is manning the big giant dragon-killing crossbow, accompanied by all his scary ships and shit. Dany, riding Drogon, dives straight into the line of fire, I guess trying to get close enough to melt their faces off, but I guess those crossbow thingies have a higher range than dragonfire, because a zillion bolts come this close to hitting her. Dany magically maneuvers out of the way because of plot reasons. She also leaves her own fleet open to Euron’s next attack. Grey Worm tells Missandei to get in the lifeboat, that there will be another lifeboat for the Unsullied coming really soon, he swears, and Euron’s fleet sends a whole buncha bolts flying right into our heroes’ ship. Despite having been attacked by Euron’s fleet in an almost identical manner before, our heroes have still learned nothing about having scouting boats to guard their perimeter, or keeping the important people on different ships so you don’t lose the entire royal entourage with one well-placed crossbow bolt. Tyrion almost gets Fabrizio-ed by a huge falling pole thing (sorry, I’m not a Boat Girl) and we cut to black, which fools no one.

Our buddies wash up on the shores of Dragonstone, coughing up the ocean. We see Varys, Tyrion, and Grey Worm. But Grey Worm doesn’t see Missandei, and he starts screaming her name. 

Mari: I just… I just… Guys, like, did they forget that Clearance Pacey had boats? How did not see all of his boats approaching them in DAYLIGHT, especially when they have the advantage of a dragons-eye-view? Did their war ships they were taking to war have no defense? No weapons? Did Drogon forget he could breathe fire? Did the show just make Dany lose another dragon like this? Did Clearance Pacey really just let all those enemies of his swim to shore safely? I’m crying as I type this.

Diva: I have all of those questions, and one more: WHY?

Red Keep. Cersei and Qyburn exposit that the people know Dany is coming and are grateful for her protection within the walls of the castle. Pacey tells her that another dragon is dead, and Cersei promises him that their child will rule the Seven Kingdoms. The Reynes of Castamere plays, and Cersei visibly flinches as Pacey tries to touch her. Cersei orders the gates kept open. That way, if Dany wants the castle, she’ll have to kill civilians to take it. As Cersei saunters out, we see Missandei, captive and in chains.

Dragonstone. Grey Worm is ready to #BurnThemAll over Missandei’s capture. Varys tells Dany she is fucking up.

Dany’s all, Cersei literally just killed my kid AND captured my bestie, and Varys agrees Cersei needs to be taken down. But if they attack the city directly, tens of thousands of innocent people will die. Those are Dany’s subjects, so she should probably not murder them. Varys urges her not to become what she’s always tried to defeat. Dany brings up her destiny – to free the world from tyrants – which she will pursue, no matter the cost. (M: Very tyrannical of her.) Tyrion says, we should demand Cersei surrender and offer her her life in exchange for the throne. We have to make the effort to prevent a slaughter. Dany says, this will definitely not work, but let’s let the people see that I tried to avoid bloodshed and Cersei refused. They can blame Cersei while they’re dying from dragonfire. 

In the Dragonstone throne room, Varys and Tyrion have a season 2-era chat about tyrants and power and the right to rule and all that stuff I used to care about before there was a zombie apocalypse and Arya left Winterfell for no reason and Jon abandoned Ghost for no reason and everything is stupid. (C: YUP.) Anyway, Varys wants to support Jon’s claim over Dany’s, and Tyrion’s like, hey that’s some cute treason. Varys explains that Jon, as a man, is more electable, which is definitely a real thing and not at all an invention of the patriarchy. Anyway, Tyrion’s being weirdly idealistic about Dany and her destiny and his faith in her, and Varys is like, yeah but I work for the realm and I need to support the person who can keep them alive. Without saying it, Varys is like, I will clearly need to kill Dany, and Tyrion just says, “please. don’t.” and the writing is so bad it hurts me, y’all. I am sitting here in actual pain. 

Winterfell. Jaime approaches Brienne and Sansa. Brienne explains that Pacey ambushed Team Dany, killed Rhaegal, and captured Missandei. Sansa tells Jaime she’s sad she’s not going to get to see Cersei’s execution for herself. Cut to Brienne’s chambers – she’s asleep, and wakes as Jaime tries to sneak out the door like a coward.

She follows him out to the courtyard, where the neon sign is back to tell us MALE WRITERS, AMIRITE?  She grabs him and tells him he’s better than his sister and he can’t save her. Brienne – I can barely write this – begs Jaime to stay with her, and cries. Jaime says, actually my redemption arc is less of an arc and more of a Jeremy Bearimy (C: A++), and I’m a monster just like my sis. Brienne sobs in her robe as Jaime rides off. And there we have it, folks – the worst non-rape scene in the history of Game of Thrones! In which neither character did anything that makes any sense given any of their previous storylines, with an extra dose of sexism for good measure! Brienne got to have like three nights of hot sex and then her brain fell out because women!! This is a fun and good television show that we enjoy!!11

Catherine: No joke, I think this might be the maddest I’ve ever been at this show. It was like this scene (and this whole episode, really) was written by someone who was only given a brief rundown of the plot line of the entire show. It was like it was written by a baby if the baby was drunk and also confused. We are all dumber just for having watched this and may God have mercy on our souls. 

Mari: I’m super confused by this scene and the reaction to it. I thought it was clear Jaime was leaving to stop Cersei where as other people read it as him leaving to save Cersei. The point is that Jaime never says anything? Just lets Brienne beg? Brienne, who had he said, “hey girl, I can’t just stay here when everyone is fighting in King’s Landing. I tried, but I can’t.” would totally understand. I don’t mind that Brienne is upset about losing Jaime. She’s allowed to be tall, and fierce, and a knight, and really into sex with this hot guy, and not into him trying to leave her in the middle of the night. I think my main issues are that I’m not sure what this scene was trying to show us, it felt like there were words missing, and the fact that we are in this hyperspeed timeline made all of this feel unearned. 

Diva: I agree that Brienne’s allowed to be upset about losing him – but I don’t think that means she would be crying in a robe in the courtyard begging him to stay. I think there are other ways of showing how she feels about him without resorting to such an old-fashioned trope. But I agree with the general confusion over whether Jaime left to kill Cersei or defend her – either the show was either deliberately vague about that so that it can SHOCK! us later, as it loves to do, or they simply failed to explain wtf was going on. Either way, I’m not happy about it.

Walls of Kings Landing. Cersei’s got Missandei up there in chains, and Pacey, and fully armed bowmen and archers ready to strike at the folks on the ground, outside the gates. It’s Dany, Grey Worm, Tyrion, Varys, and the Unsullied, just standing out in the open, chilling, looking up at their enemy and not doing anything at all. 

Qyburn walks out of the gates for a Queen’s Hand vs. Queen’s Hand battle of wits. Qyburn, it must be said, is in this really fabulous kind of black velvet poncho-gown that feels a little Yves Saint Laurent to me. Anyway, Tyrion requests that Cersei surrender and free Missandei. Qyburn says, actually Dany should surrender or Missandei will die. Tyrion says, this is our last chance to avoid burning a bunch of innocent children alive. Qyburn gives no fucks. He says Dany’s only got one dragon left, and her soldiers are tired and hurt (WHICH SANSA FUCKING SAID), and Cersei has the Golden Company. Tyrion marches forward, well within range of the hundreds of archers on the walls. We have to pretend for a very long time like Cersei is actually going to let the arches loose their arrows at him, even though we’ve seen this scene play out twice before in the last handful of episodes and she still doesn’t kill him because Plot Armor. (M: We have to watch Cersei almost but not kill Tyrion multiple times but no goodbye for Ghost?)

Tyrion walks up, and just kind of talks… up at them. While he’s on the ground, and they’re on a giant wall above him. And he’s not even talking that loud. This staging is so very dumb. And then the show tries to make me care about another monologue from Tyrion about how deep down Cersei isn’t a monster because she loves her children. Again – we have already watched this exact scene. This conversation didn’t work in the Season 7 finale, and it’s not working now. It’s factually untrue, it’s obviously not going to work, and it’s redundant as hell. Cersei gives a look like she’s actually reconsidering – LOL – and then asks Missandei for her last words. 

“Dracarys,” Missandei hisses. For a brief moment, I think Drogon is going to fly down and torch Cersei to bits, but instead, the Mountain pulls out his sword, and slices Missandei’s head clean off. We have to watch it fly off the walls of the city, and we have to watch Grey Worm watch it. And we have to watch the death of the only woman of color on this show, solely so that it fuels the storyline of the archetypical white savior. Dany walks away, enraged, but not as enraged as I am, and this terrible episode finally, blessedly, comes to an end.

Catherine: I couldn’t watch, tbh. I looked away.

Mari: I had a lot to say about this moment, but then I Tweeted about it and have had to deal with racists in my notifications all week so I’m tired. Thanks for having the non-white couple dream of a beach without racists only to make sure we truly understand that it doesn’t exist for them. All that exists is Dany’s pain.

Diva: I don’t have a lot more than that to say, honestly. The first twenty minutes of this torturously long episode were enjoyable enough, as we watched our characters mourn death and celebrate life, but after that, it was character assassination after character assassination (Jon, Dany, Sansa, Arya, Tyrion, Jaime, Brienne – the writers really shat on all of them) that undid years of storytelling for unearned, cheap twists and turns. This episode shoehorned in more sexist tropes than I can count, it made little to no narrative, scenic, or storyline sense, and seemed to be two different episodes smooshed together with some coffee cups still left in the shot. Y’all had LITERAL YEARS to make this season happen, and this is what we’re served? This is going to be a rough road to the end, my friends. I don’t think I’m ready for how unsatisfying all of this is going to be. 

Mari: I was totally here for last episode, but this one lost me. This is all giving me a very distinct vibe: the Sansa and Arya stuff in season 7. We were so upset about how out-of-character they were acting and why it was narratively unsatisfying. The the show whipped out the Littlefinger execution to gotcha us and sort of retcon or at least reframe everything we had seen. It sacrificed sense for the big moment.

You can feel how much time is running out as we watch these last episodes. We had so many seasons of build-up and it just doesn’t seem that there is enough time to get all of these pieces into the places they need to be for the end. They are being forced there. Will the big gotchas at the end be worth it? 

I don’t know, another racist just @’d me on Twitter. 

Speaking of Twitter, here are a selection of #gameofsnark tweets:

That was a lovely recap of deaths for those of us who couldn’t see a damn thing last week #thanks #gameofsnark

— Laura Lillies (@lillypad1985) May 6, 2019

Okay like I get you’re doing something nice but in the most bitchy way possible. #gameofsnark

— Mercy Mae (@GamerFiancee) May 6, 2019

YA’LL Gendry has money now. He’s perfect. #gameofsnark

— A Katy Of Thrones (@CatherineJane91) May 6, 2019

I think Sansa has the magical ability of causing you to ship her with whoever she’s in a room with. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark

— marines (@mynameismarines) May 6, 2019

Also I want Brienne to be happy but she can do so much fucking better than Jaime. #gameofsnark

— NonCompliantSamantha (@SamanthaSpice91) May 6, 2019

Ya’ll did this DUMBASS just propose after having sex with her once?? #gameofsnark

— A Katy Of Thrones (@CatherineJane91) May 6, 2019

on a scale of one to forgetting I’m your aunt and having sex with me, how drunk are you? #GameofThrones #gameofsnark

— marines (@mynameismarines) May 6, 2019

Oh good its Bronn who cares. #gameofsnark

— NonCompliantSamantha (@SamanthaSpice91) May 6, 2019

Jon snow is canceled for abandoning his doggo #gameofsnark

— democracy diva (@democracydiva) May 6, 2019

I GUESS DISCOUNT PACEY HIT THAT MEMORIAL DAY SALE ON CROSSBOWS HUH. #gameofsnark

— A Katy Of Thrones (@CatherineJane91) May 6, 2019

I hope Discount Department Store Pacey is torn limb from limb #gameofsnark

— Laura Lillies (@lillypad1985) May 6, 2019

Jon might be even-tempered and have a cock, but that doesn’t overrule the fact that he’s a blithering moron #gameofsnark

— Laura Lillies (@lillypad1985) May 6, 2019

Are they really out here about to murder the only woman of color???? #gameofsnark

— NonCompliantSamantha (@SamanthaSpice91) May 6, 2019

so glad they learned their lesson from the last time they tried to peacefully negotiate with cersei #gameofsnark

— democracy diva (@democracydiva) May 6, 2019

Game of Thrones S08 E04: This is All a Bad Idea. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark

— marines (@mynameismarines) May 6, 2019

Next time on Game of Thrones: Three hours left to wrap this whole thing up, idk, join us in S08 E05.